What's Your Safe Space?
There have been times throughout my life where my expectations around what would be a safe space did not match the reality. There were times where I expected a safe space was not in fact that safe for me and, conversely, places where I wasn’t sure I would feel belonging and I actually did. I have found I am not always a good predictor of where I will feel most welcome and included and I need to pay attention to how I feel in the situation before deciding.
For instance, when I first graduated from college I thought working for a non-profit would mean the people would be kind and giving and gracious. I figured only people who care would work there and that I would be embraced and supported. My actual experience working for a non-profit when I graduated was pretty rough. My boss was unkind and my co-worker was snooty. I could never quite do anything right. It was a stressful place to work. I left the job and went onto graduate school and then got a job at Goldman Sachs, a place I would have assumed would be intimidating. Instead, I immediately felt welcomed. Things just kept going right for me. I thrived there. My bias was that non-profits would be inclusive welcoming places and big banks would not be. For me, I felt more at home at the bank. Turns out safe spaces can be in the eye of the beholder.
For the past few months I have been exploring online dance classes. There have been several that promote themselves as being inclusive of all bodies, which is what I was looking for. However, when I tried these classes, I found they just weren't for me. They moved too fast or their moves were too complicated or the modifications they offered were too haphazard and not clear. I guess these classes are good for “all” bodies-except mine. On the other hand, I revisited a dance class that I had avoided on several occasions because they have a lot of diet talk on their website—including the awful before and after pictures I despise. But when I took the actual class it was incredibly inclusive. The music was energizing, the steps manageable and the opportunity to take it down or up a notch was simple. The people dancing in the video were diverse in every way. It was exactly what I had been looking for! This program had tons of diet talk on the website but the actual classes were inclusive in the best way. I have emailed the owner and pleaded with her to remove the harmful diet talk — especially since it does seem to be consistent with what she is actually is promoting. In the end, I have to trust how I feel in these classes and I just avoid looking at their awful website.
Finally, I have had to rethink safe spaces in a major way since October 7th. Many places I had thought were safe, no longer feel safe to me. The lack of sensitivity to the events on October 7th made me feel awful. People and organizations who have consistently shown compassion and kindness to others, have been eerily silent or downright cruel about how Jewish people feel right now. It can be hard to find a place that accommodates our complicated intersectionalities within our identity. I have been saddened to see how places I have respected and supported in the past are not welcoming spaces for me anymore. At the same time, I have found some wonderful new places that have been supportive places for Jewish people and I am enjoying expanding my world and exploring those places.
Claiming to be a safe space is a great first step. Actually being one is a different story. We need to give ourselves permission to choose our own safe spaces. You do not need to deny your feelings because a place claims you SHOULD feel safe here. Instead honor how you actually feel and act accordingly. Have there been times your expectations did not match the reality when it came to safe spaces? Are you sticking with a community even if you don’t feel a sense of belonging because they claim to welcome everyone? Give yourself the grace to go with your gut. If you don’t feel a community is right for you, you have the right to keep looking. Life is too short to try to fit into a place where you don’t belong.
Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash
