Woulda Coulda Shoulda
When working with clients, I often run up against a situation where they question a decision they made in the past that they believe negatively affected where they are now. This thinking is not only impractical (we cannot change the past) it is usually not the whole story. There is never just one decision that got you where you are right now first of all. Second of all, decisions we made in the past seem much less complicated in hindsight.
For instance, I have a client who left an amazing job because it did not give her the time and flexibility she needed to be with her kids. Since leaving that job, she has had a couple jobs that have not been nearly as positive. She beats herself up for making the choice to leave the original job, even though it is clear she made a well thought out choice at the time based on her desire to have a better work/life balance. The problem isn’t that she left a great job that wasn’t right for her, the problem is that she cannot find another great job. She made the choice to leave the first job with a clear head, she just wasn’t aware of how hard it would be to find something equally good. That is where we have to begin our work together. Let’s find a great job with a great quality of life. It’s not easy, but they exist.
Another client of mine came to me after losing a job he had for many years. It turns out he had mistakenly trusted his employer and was ultimately let go and, as a result, lost a significant amount of money he had invested in the company. He felt betrayed by his employer and ashamed that he had stayed with that company for too long. In addition, during his time working, he hadn’t maintained his network and led a pretty quiet life. When he lost his job he felt isolated and alone… and mad at himself. How could he have trusted his employer so fully? How could he have allowed himself to neglect his network? But let’s be real, it can happen to the best of us. We trust too much, we fall into our habits, we lean into what is comfortable. On a practical level, he and I needed to figure out how he could to reconnect some old friends and find a job with a more trustworthy employer. And on a deeper level, my hope is that he can let himself off the hook, acknowledge that there were many issues at play and move forward with a deeper insight into the human condition.
When I was just out of college almost 30 years ago I worked for the JCC and made $16,000 a year. It was a pretty crappy job, but I was lucky to have found a job at all at that time. I then heard about a job that would pay me almost $30,000. It had more prestige, a better title and “would look good on my resume”. I had been warned by the person who had the job before me that I would be getting that the boss was pretty awful and a work environment that was toxic. Attracted to the better pay, better title and the idea that I was “moving on up”, I took the job. Not surprisingly, the job was as horrible as my friend had warned me it would be. Luckily, it made for a great graduate school essay (I was applying to programs in Organizational Psychology, so toxic work cultures were the perfect topic to write about). Should I have taken that job? Probably not. Did this mistake of reaching towards prestige against my better judgement help me avoid bigger mistakes in the future? Probably. Can I have compassion for myself that I was vulnerable to shiny things when I was working a crappy job for $16,000 a year? Absolutely! And I hope you can have compassion for yourself too.
Do you need to show yourself some grace for a decision you made in the past. Are you judging that choice more harshly than you should? Let yourself off the hook and march forward with some new knowledge to light your way.
Photo by George Oliver on Unsplash
