Hard Conversations
Lately I have been heading to Starbucks before my appointment with my amazing therapist to get each of us a latte. Of course she never asked me to do this, but it brings me such joy. She has given me so much that I should be bringing her a new car each week.
One of her magical powers is encouraging me to have hard conversations. This is how it will go. I will complain about something. She will say, you should talk to them (your husband, your kid, your friend, your client) about it. I will say, ugh, no way, I can’t do that. My hands will get clammy.
We imagine together how that conversation will go. I practice expressing what’s bothering me and how to communicate it. But throughout these “practice runs” I’m saying to myself “ok maybe one day, but I am not having this conversation any time soon.”
And… invariably, maybe even during the week between our sessions, I will have the conversation. And, as a consequence, my relationship with that person will become more honest, more vulnerable and will move forward.
I was not raised with this skill. There are so many people in my extended family not talking to each other that it is almost funny, if it wasn’t so sad. I don’t blame them, having difficult conversations is HARD. And these conversations can go wrong for sure. I avoided difficult conversations for the first 25 years of my life, but slowly, I pushed myself to engage in them in order to grow my relationships along with my own commitment to myself. And my weekly therapy appointments keep me on track and keep me honest with myself and others.
Earlier this year, my daughter had to have a difficult conversation when she was away at college. I got sweaty palms for her. When I checked in with her after the conversation, she told me that it went great. She informed me she is really good at conflict resolution. Wow! I can’t imagine myself ever having that confidence – especially not at 22 years of age. Witnessing my daughters skillset made me realize the importance of breaking generational cycles. I like to think that my doing the work, weekly with my therapist, and pushing myself to learn something new, paved the way for my daughter to do things differently. She is not afraid to have hard conversations and her life and her relationships will be better for it.
Is there a generational cycle you have been working to break? What are some of the ways you are working on yourself to break the cycle? How do your kids amaze you with ways they can do things you have struggled with yourself?
