My First Year with an Empty-Nest

“Release your back, release your back, release your back” This is what my somatics teacher, Gena Rho, says endlessly during our sessions. I started learning about Somatic movement education in the tradition of Thomas Hanna six months ago. Through this practice, I am regaining an awareness of how to reconnect my brain to my body. Releasing my back is so damn hard. I have discovered that I use my back muscles more than necessary. Once I gained this awareness, I realized my back was activated even when I was lying in bed, a time when the back muscles are absolutely not needed. This overuse of my back muscles has led to pain and discomfort.

Releasing my muscles during my somatic sessions brings me to a level of calm I have not been able to access in any of the other modes of relaxation. It is more effective for me than a massage, yoga, a hot bath or a glass or two of wine. Letting my back go has been transformational for my physical health.

What is amazing is how I have been holding my back without awareness and it makes me wonder (in Carrie Bradshaw style) what else am I holding onto without awareness?

As I finish up my first year as an empty-nester (my son comes home from school in a month), I can reflect back on the year. I can compare my expectation vs. the reality. When I pictured the life of an empty-nester, I pictured freedom, relief, possibility. And while I have definitely had moments of that, it has not been the defining feature of my year. Just like I have had difficulty letting go of my back, I am having trouble releasing my identity as a mom. I know I am always a mom, that never ends, but the role of mom is changing faster than my brain and body can accommodate. I expected to release the daily role of mom as soon as my kids moved out and it turns out that is harder than it looks. At least for me.

Every year for the past 18 years Gideon and I have gone away with our friends Nealy and Dave for three nights. Our inaugural trip was when my youngest was almost one and we went to Vegas. It was our first time we were given an opportunity to completely let go of our identity as parents. I remember one of us–I am not sure which one–said as we boarded the plane “What kids?” and we pretended we did not have kids right then and there. We would look at families with little kids on the plane and say “those poor people, thank goodness we don’t have kids” and we would laugh and drink. We were desperate to take off the fairly new identities we had taken on as parents and revel in the world of no responsibilities we had abandoned a few years before. We played drinking games, went out dancing, gambled and just had constant fun. This is not to say that we didn't spend hours ahead of the trip preparing lists for our parents to follow while they babysat and of course we checked in on them, but we knew we had to intentionally release our parenting identity to really absorb our three nights of freedom and fun. And we were exceptional at it. Throughout our 18 years of trips, “what kids?” has been our mantra and it works.

Moving into empty-nesting is going to require me to be as intentional as "letting my back go" and saying “what kids?” on occasion. It is going to take work to move into my new role as a mom that is more on the sidelines, where I don’t have to be “on” 24/7. I know I will always be a mom, but this identity does not have to dominate anymore. I can let go some and make room for something new to fill it. This is going to take time and patience and definitely is not as immediate and automatic as I had anticipated.

What are you holding onto? What can you let go of? Awareness is the first step and then comes the hard work of letting go.

Photo by Sarath C M on Unsplash