Lights, Camera, Action
Have you ever felt exhausted after an interaction where you had to pretend to be interested or interesting or smart or funny? Compare that when you are hanging out with someone who knows the real you. You probably leave that interaction feeling good, maybe even energized. The difference between the two situations is that we need to perform in one and we can just be in the other. The fact is we all perform to some extent. It is just the nature of our lives. But it is worth taking a closer look. How often do you perform in your day to day life? How often do you feel you can relax into the real you? Figuring out where you perform is step one, figuring out why you perform is step two and figuring how to let go of performing is step three.
One of my superpowers is allowing people to be vulnerable with me and not feel judged. My husband is always surprised at how I get an authentic version of people’s lives at a party. People will reveal to me that their marriage has been hard, their kid has been struggling, their job sucks. I don’t want to hear the fake, performed version of everyone’s lives. It bores me to no end. As an avid reader, I like to hear stories. Stories with depth and nuance and complexity. If you tell me your life is perfect, I am probably going to wrap things up and move onto someone I find more interesting. And I am the same, sometimes to a fault. I never want someone to think my life is perfect. Because let’s be honest, whose life is perfect? Vulnerability and honesty breeds connection.
Uncovering the ways in which my clients perform is one of the most challenging and rewarding aspects of coaching. Sometimes it takes several sessions before I really understand why they came to me. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what is holding them back. Performing is a way to hide our true feelings, our vulnerabilities and our reality. In my opinion, the only way to really heal and move forward is to let go of our performance. But then again, many people have been performing for so long, it may be hard to decipher when you are performing. Who is the real you?
My goal for this stage of my life is to show up as the real me as often as possible. It means I need to know who the real me is–which requires honesty, exploration and vulnerability. It means not everyone is going to like me, want to hire me, or compliment me. Wearing what I want, going without makeup, not laughing at jokes I find offensive, not promising the world, sleeping on a decision rather than jumping in, saving my energy for things that really matter to me, saying no to events that do not allow for true connection. All of these things will reduce my need to perform and allow me to just be me. And just being me will send my life on a course that is aligned with my true self. It allows me to write my own story while weaving and winding through this crazy, complicated and wonderful life.
