How My Breastfeeding Journey was Cut Short (Due to Unexpected Terrorism)
The formula shortage caused me to reflect back on the time over 20 years ago when I was a working mom attempting to pump breast milk at work. I was one of the lucky few who had my own private office with a door so I was able to pump discreetly and on my own schedule. We had a refrigerator in our staff kitchen so storing the milk wasn’t a problem and I had a manageable commute time home which allowed me to transfer the milk easily. I wasn’t an all-star pumper, but I was good enough. I worked four days a week – taking off Wednesdays so I could have time to replenish my milk supply by nursing my daughter throughout the day mid-week. All this was done in an effort to continue my breastfeeding beyond my return to work.
But all of my efforts and meticulous planning could not withstand the impact of 9/11. I was in my office several blocks from the World Trade Center that day when the first plane hit. I watched as the second plane flew by my office window moments before crashing into the second tower. I ended up staying downtown until 3:00 that day. Unable to pump, I became engorged. The discomfort was a reminder that I had a 7-month old baby at home who needed me and I was uncomfortably full, terrified of what was coming next. I was finally able to take a bus through Chinatown to get home and see my daughter. I nursed her with soot still on my body. I couldn't feed her fast enough-because I was about to burst. While I nursed her, I realized what I had been through that day and took a breath to appreciate how fortunate I was to survive this day to be with her.
When I returned to work the following week, the military was everywhere, the smell of burnt steel lingered in the air, and a new entry process was established that included a strict check of IDs and metal detectors. As part of my role as VP of Work and Family at Goldman Sachs, I organized the Employee Assistance Program sessions where employees discussed their fears and talked through the trauma of that day. Each session I attended as an administrator, offered me new perspectives of the tragedy and terror of that day and if I hadn’t considered a fear yet, I was able to learn from the creative minds of my colleagues. Oh wow I would think endlessly “I hadn’t considered that terrible, awful, terrifying thing yet”. Good to know…
When I returned to my office to pump, I was too scared to close my office door. My traumatized mind worried that if I shut my door and something happened my colleagues would leave without me and I would be stuck inside. And as the biology goes, if you don’t keep producing milk, your supply goes away. So just like that, I had to stop nursing. If I couldn't shut the door, I couldn't pump, and if I couldn't pump, I couldn't keep producing milk. The plan I had carefully worked out in detail was no longer feasible.
I had the best scenario around continuing nursing while working, but of course things happen outside of our control. I cannot even imagine if I had been confronted with a formula shortage at that time. It would have been the straw that broke the already overwhelmed camel’s back. There are a million and one reasons we need formula for our babies and the idea that parents have to worry about feeding their kids in America is horrifying. I feel for these parents now and send them support and strength. I feel their anger, vulnerability and helplessness as our most basic need to feed our babies is at risk.
Photo by Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández on Unsplash
